The Impartial Parrot
by donutsweeper
Summary: There is a pub that spies gravitate to, a place to relax and not have to worry about the outside world for a little while. It is a place Jack loves to visit. Crossover with 20 other fandoms. The cast of characters can be found in the second chapter.
1. The Impartial Parrot

Author's Note: Jack meets up with representatives from twenty other fandoms in this little story. The list of who is who and where they are from can be found in chapter two.

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The Impartial Parrot was a little hole in the wall sort of place that most people walked past without even noticing. There was no sign out front to lure in customers. Not even any windows. The only thing that marked the fact the pub even existed was the heavy oak door that seemed to blend seamlessly into the wall unless you knew where to look for it.

And that was how the clientele liked it. Not a single one of them, as a rule, liked to draw attention to themselves. And, more than anyone, they needed a place they could relax and not have to worry about secrets and lies or death threats and assassins for a few hours. By mutual agreement all squabbles and differences of opinion were left at the door.

The man behind the bar was one of those bartenders who seen it all, probably more than any of his customers could ever imagine. Hex was great at his job though, could keep the beer flowing and the shots full and never let anyone lose themselves in the bottom of the glass. He worked the bar like a master, greeting everyone by name - or at least the name they went by there - and providing their usual drink without prompting.

"Captain." He held up the glass he was polishing in greeting. Jack gave a quick smile, pausing in the doorway to pet the dog lounging there.

"How's Mister Smartypants doing today?" Jack spoke softly as gave him a scratch behind the ear. "You keeping the Parrot safe from any wayward cats?" The dog wagged his tail, gave Jack a deep look, then huffed softly then rolled on his side before falling asleep.

Jack continued inside, tossing his coat on the coatrack and pretending not to notice when it slipped off and landed in a heap on the floor. He did, however, laugh when the blond sitting nearby tutted at him and picked it up to hand it properly. "Thanks Nik," he called over his shoulder, blowing her a quick kiss. Nik merely shook her head in response.

Trying to slip between two crowded tables as he headed to the bar Jack brushed against a wheelchair. "Sorry Uncle," Jack apologized immediately.

"Hey, better you bump the chair than bump my drink!" Uncle tapped his beer. "You know OzMan, right?" He gestured briefly to the man sitting opposite him, who tipped his Stetson at Jack. "And I know you and Burnsie go way back."

"Oh sure. Burnsie and I have gotten many a ribbing about patronizing a pub when neither of us tend to imbibe." There was a quick exchange of handshakes all around, although Jack's fingers lingered on OzMan's for a moment before he caught Uncle's look and dropped the hand quickly.

"Captain," OzMan chided gently, "I am married now, you know."

"I know." Jack grinned, grabbing the hand and kissing it quickly. "Hail to the king and all that." However, he managed to look slightly contrite when Uncle swatted him. "Heading to the bar, you gentlemen need anything?"

"I think we're fine, thanks." Burnsie held up his mostly full water. "We're just swapping old war stories, if you want to join us later."

"Now, now, Burnsie," another man approached the table and draped an arm over Jack's shoulder, pulling him in for a quick hug before sitting down at the table. "No trying to keep the Captain all to yourself, we don't see him around here enough as is."

"Lil' Corporal!" Jack slapped the newcomer on the back.

"I'm always going to regret letting you give me my nickname for this place, aren't I?"

"And here I thought I had made it up to you!" Jack waggled his eyebrows, which elicited a groan from OzMan and another swat from Uncle.

"In all seriousness, I thought you'd want to know that Bobby's Girl is around somewhere and she's wearing that skin tight number you always liked."

"Hey!" Jack jumped away from the table. "What did I get smacked again for? I didn't say anything!"

"But you were thinking it," Uncle chided gently. "She and Gem are having a girls' night out. I already had to rescue them from your old friend Quicksilver; he somehow forgot that just because they couldn't see him it didn't mean they couldn't hear him as well."

"That boy will never learn." Jack shook his head, and then hissed under his breath, "And don't think I don't know you're standing right behind me either, Quicksilver!"

"One of these days, Captain," was the whispered reply, "One of these days." And with a shiver of cold along the small of Jack's back he was gone.

"Anyone see Jude Thaddeus around? I had a question for him."

"He's here, I saw he was chatting up Ms. Cardamom in the back corner before I headed over here." Lil' Corporal waved vaguely in the direction of the shadowy rear of the pub.

"Oh." Jack rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. "Well, best not disturb him then. Later, gentlemen." With a vague wave he continued on his way to the bar. He stopped briefly to exchange pleasantries with the unlikely pair of East and Easten, but avoided getting sucked into their standard argument about necessary tools of the trade. Jack's own opinion was that it depended on the man and the time, but there was no getting through to those two.

They did stop in their prospective diatribes long enough for East to warn Jack that, "If you don't remove you hand this instant, Captain, I'll remove it for you," but there was no heat in either that threat or Easten's slightly more colorfully worded one. They both knew Jack well enough to have expected no less from him.

However, when his hand strayed in a similar manner a little further on, he received a smack and a careful, "Now listen very carefully, I shall say this only once; keep those hands where I can see them!" from Blanche, but then he smiled that smile and they exchanged a passionate kiss.

Placing a gently finger against her lips, Jack murmured, "later mon chéri, I need to talk with Hex for a minute." On his way to the bar he wisely sidestepped Winters and Dallas, they were quite obviously a couple and Jack was not one to interfere with true love. There was also the fact they could both hit unnaturally hard and he didn't feel like dying again today.

Gabriel was leaning against the bar as he waited for his drink, chatting with a handsome man Jack hadn't met. He approached carefully, mindful of Gabriel's missing eye. "Gabriel, you old dog you, good to see you!"

"Captain! It's been far too long. Do you know Rosie? One of the best in the business."

Jack looked Rosie over and gave an approving grin, suit coat and tails always did wonders for a dashing gentleman. "My pleasure."

"Mine as well, Captain." There was the slightest trace of several different accents in his speech, making it impossible to pin down his nationality, but he had a firm grip and a nice smile, and that was all that mattered in the end. Hex came up then and handed Gabriel and Rosie their drinks and reached for Jack's typical water.

"Thanks Hex. Cutter was supposed to meet me here, seen him?"

Gabriel patted Jack on the arm. "We're going to grab a table, stop by if you get a chance, Captain."

"Will do, Gabriel. Nice meeting you, Rosie."

"There he is." Hex pointed to the door as Cutter swept into the room.

"Captain," Cutter greeted him as he approached.

"Cutter-" was all Jack had time to say before his mouth was captured in a hard and long kiss.


	2. Cast of Characters

Here is a list of the characters introduced in chapter one, were you able to identify them all?

1) Hex- Number Six- The Prisoner

2) Captain- Jack Harkness- Torchwood

3) Mr. Smartypants- Brain- Inspector Gadget

4) Nik- Nikita- La Femme Nikita

5) Uncle- Lifeguard- Wiseguy

6) OzMan- Scarecrow/Lee Stetson- Scarecrow and Mrs. King

7) Burnsie- D-Ops/ Neil Burnside- The Sand Baggers

8) Lil' Corporal- Napoleon Solo- The Man From U.N.C.L.E.

9) Bobby's Girl- Emma Peel- The Avengers

10) Gem- Sapphire- Sapphire and Steel

11) Quicksilver- Darien Fawkes- The Invisible Man

12) Jude Thaddeus- The Saint/ Simon Templar- The Saint

13) Ms.Cardamom- Cinnamon Carter- Mission Impossible

14) East- Jim West- Wild, Wild West

15) Easten- Michael Westen- Burn Notice

16) Blanche- Michelle Dubois- 'Allo 'Allo

17) Winters- Jamie Sommers- The Bionic Woman

18) Dallas- Colonel Steve Austin- The Six Million Dollar Man

19) Gabriel- Michael 'Archangel' Coldsmith Briggs III - Airwolf

20) Rosie- Sidney Reilly- Reilly, Ace of Spies

21) Cutter- Harry Pearce- MI-5/Spooks


End file.
